Couch potato foolproof chili recipe

1 servings

Ingredients

Quantity Ingredient
FOOLPROOF CHILI RECIPE
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Directions

COUCH POTATO GRUB: MAKING CH

One of the few great examples of cooking that takes no skill whatsoever. And here's a recipe to prove it CHILI CON CARNE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Consider the scene: It's a Football Sunday, the noblest and most beloved day of the True Couch Potato's week. A bunch of fellow spuds are dropping by for some chips 'n dips, brewskis 'n nuts, and that finest of Couch Potato feeds, a grand pot of chili, which you are in charge of, and which you are trying to turbocharge to unforgettable proportions. You want to make a chili that will cause the paint to peel, that will lead to a number of marriages coming to an end. The Chili to End All Chilies. And so, in classic low-maintenance Couch Potato style, you do the right thing ++ you go to the local market, and you buy lots of cans of chili with beans which you proceed to empty into your least combustible, least corroded pot, the one you use for making the Krakatoa Spaghetti Sauce for which you are so justly famous.You empty in can after can of Hormel Hot Chili with Beans, Stagg Dynamite Chili with Beans, and Dennison Chunky Chili with Beans. And what you find, if you are of a discerning palate, is that you've created a concoction that tastes remarkably like well-warmed dog food. For aside from the mystery meats used to make canned Chilies, you also have a hot bubbling pot of soy protein concentrate, caramel coloring, calcium chloride, dehydrated onions and modified food starch. Which is not my idea of a fine Pot O' Red. You could probably get away with serving the stuff to your Football Buds, for by the time they get around to the chili, they'll probably have tucked away a six-pack of belly wash and pig sweat each. But if you're like me, you're a Gourmet Couch Potato. And you want to create a pot of chili that will be one for the ages.

Which means you must delve into the wonderful world of what's technically referred to inthe trade as "tricking it up." In other words,can make an awfully fine chili by adding a lot of other ingredients to the canned stuff ++using the canned chili as the solid foundation upon which you build your gutbuster deluxe. Just about anything can be added, for chili is one of the least defined of all possible dishes ++ except that it's supposed to be spicy, just about anything can be chili. To make a truly memorable pot of grease, first pour in lots of cans of chili, remembering not to addthe cans themselves ++ aluminum tastes just awful, no matter how long you've cooked it. Then, look through your fridge. Are there some old onions sitting around, perhaps with nice green scallions sprouting out of them? Chop'em up, and drop 'em in! Do you have garlic in any of its manifold forms ++ fresh, pre-chopped, pickled, powdered, dried into a salt, orjust stuffed into an olive? Put it in++ chili likes lots of garlic. How about chili peppers? You can add all that you've got to the pot, along with bottles of Tabasco sauce, and whatever other salsa is leftover from your last Cinco de Mayo celebration. Don't forget to pour in some beer as well, especially Mexican beer. Also tequila, though not too much ++ the alcohol gets boiled out, and what fun is that? And since some sort of meat is called for, the first thing to do on that front is to dump in all the leftovers you've got sitting in the back of the fridge, though not the shrimp lo mein that's been sitting there since Groundhog Day ++ shrimp tastes really stupid in chili. Myself, I'm especially fond of a type of sausage called Little Smokies, which don't have to be chopped up or anything, and add the flavor of mesquite or pine cones or some such type of incinerated wood to the chili. Just keep on adding things until there's no room left in the pot. Then cook for a long time ++ high heat can kill all sorts of bacteria, and makes most mixtures taste pretty good. Especially during the fourth quarter of a tight game.

The truly wonderful thing about chili is everyone can make it, for it is one of the few true examples of cooking that takes no skillwhatsoever. This is probably an upsetting concept to those who labor long and hard coming up with complex recipes for the many chili cookoffs that go on in this great land of ours.But the truth is that if you can turn on the heat on the stove, you can make chili. Heck, you can make chili even if you can't turn on the heat, though it will probably be downright toxic. Chili can be just as good ++ and just as bad ++ cooked from scratch, cooked from a can, or purchased from a low dive around which kitties and puppies keep disappearing.

Submitted By SAM LEFKOWITZ On 08-02-95

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